Sexless Marriage.

Lucky husband

I suggested this subtly, discreetly, gently, forcefully, pleadingly -- all I got was a good tongue lashing about how there is more to life than sex and how busy he is at work (it's true).

You need to ask yourself some serious question:

1. Do you want to continue in an unhappy relationship?

2. Why doesn't he care about your feeling?

3. Why is he trying to make you feel guilty?

4. Is he having an affair, is this why he is not having sex with you?

5. Does he care about the marriage or not?

6. When did work become more important then you?

7. Do you know a good lawyer?

If you can save this marriage it will be stronger then before but if you are in this marriage alone with out a partner that you can talk too then this marriage is already over, leave as soon as possible so that you can go on with your life make it a clean fast break. Don't look back don't go back unless there is a change in his behavior because the problems are deeper then a lack of sex.

It will be hard at first divorce is like a death, death of a dream, of love, it is scary to be out in the world alone but staying in an unhappy marriage is bad for your health, bad for your self esteem and your marriage will not get better without him willing to work things out.

I must agree with 3sheets on this one.

A marriage involves two people. Sounds like one has not lived up to his side of the bargain. You have some tough questions to think about. I sincerely hope all goes well, and you have many here on the vine who are willing to give that support you need via the vine!

Hugs!

E

I must agree with 3sheets on this one.

Don't worry sooner or later you will read something that I wrote that will convince you that I have totally lost my mind. :-)

As for 3sheets: the first question is most important: Do I want to continue in an unhappy marriage? Well, that's a tough question because, what if my expectations are too high?

You want to be happy that is not too much to ask, all marriage go through rough patches, he sounds like he is trying to control you using emotion (sex) blackmail as his weapon of choice.

by saying that I don't know how good I have it and that I'm spoiled.

If you are unhappy that is NOT being spoiled he is not willing to listen to you and is treating you like a child are you the child in this relationship or an equal partner?

if I left this relationship that there is nothing better for me.

Change is always scary, maybe there is no one better out there but you will be happier and that will be better for you, it is better to be alone and happy then unhappy together.

You can't find another person to share your life with as long as you stay in an unfilled marriage.

I have a 2nd appointment with the therapist in a week so hopefully she'll help me sort things out.

You don't need a therapist you need a backbone to demand that you are worthy of respect and love from your writing I think that you are getting neither from the marriage.

Unless it is couple therapy you are looking for someone to tell you that it is alright to get out of this emotionally damaging marriage.

Good luck.

My husband, in the midst of fighting sometimes, will usually end it by saying that I don't know how good I have it and that I'm spoiled.

Doesn't sound to me like you're spoiled. Open communication and a fulfilling sex life -- however that is defined by each individual -- isn't "spoiled." That's what a marriage should be, among other things. The age difference, or your lack of experience with other men, may give you some doubt about whether what you're experiencing is normal -- it's not. Don't accept it.

3sheets is right -- you may be younger, even significantly so, but you're his partner, his equal, and should be treated as such. That includes honesty and open communication about what's going on. I'd go so far as to give him an ultimatum. You have needs that are not being met -- communication, sex, emotion -- tell him, flat out, but gently, and let him know that if he doesn't work with you to try to repair the flaws in your marriage, you will move on, as hard as that will be.

There's an age difference between myself and my boyfriend -- I'm 27 and he is 41. There are some unique challenges in these types of relationships, and, above all else, the most important thing is honesty. We work well because we're partners, and we can talk about anything. If you don't have that kind of openness, you need to reevaluate.

Change is frightening, but you're young and if you did choose divorce, you would survive even though it would be difficult at first, and maybe for awhile. Some people don't find the right person on their first try -- but maybe this is just a bump in the road for your marriage. Only you can make the decision.

Good luck.

Oh no.

My husband, in the midst of fighting sometimes, will usually end it by saying that I don't know how good I have it and that I'm spoiled. The truth is that it is possible. ... I feel selfish for desiring something as trivial and yet all-consuming as a meaningful touch. What makes me think I deserve that in the first place?

We want - and need - what we want and need. His inability to give you what you want and need has nothing to do with you being spoiled or undeserving and you absolutely should not feel selfish. You deserve it because you are in a marriage and that is what you need.

I am not an advocate for divorce; it is expensive, mentally and emotionally draining, and can make life more difficult, especially financially and where children are concerned. I am also, however, not an advocate for bad marriage: it is mentally and emotionally draining, demoralizing, sets a bad example for the children, and can make for a hostile, depressed environment. If you're going to be married, make it work: it should meet your needs and his needs and provide the best possible environoment for your child. If making it work for all of you isn't possible, then you have to choose between divorce and a bad marriage. I've been there - I chose the divorce. It hasn't been easy but my only regret is that making the marriage work wasn't an option.

There is a risk that I will realize later if I left this relationship that there is nothing better for me.

I've been single/divorced for more than 15 years. I have not found a life partner in that time and may be single for the rest of my life, but that's OK with me: being out of a bad marriage is much better - for me and for my kids - than being in one.

Good luck. Continue therapy - find yourself, your voice, and your strength.

I left my first marriage because of this exact reason. It HuRTS to have the one you love push you away. And does things to you mentally and emotionally that are terrible. It is not easy, it is scary but you CAN do it. When you are ready. My ex would not even cuddle on the couch with me, and I am a VERY affectionate person. I left 8 years ago and am going to be celebrating my 3 RD wedding anniversary with my second husband later this month. The important thing is you being ready to make the change. If you want to message me (either of you) to chat off the board, please feel free.

Kavatica,

My ex would not even cuddle on the couch with me

I didn't know my ex had been married twice.

weRdoomed,

I had several thoughts while I read this, so I'm going to toss them out as possibilities.

#1, I understand COMPLETELY what you're describing. In my case, there was a type of passive aggressive personality, and this is how his anger was expressed. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage because we were very compatible in many ways, he treated me well, wasn't unfaithful, we had a beautiful home, but we never argued. If I wanted affection then it was withheld, because that was the way his anger came out. So that's one possibility.

#2. Certainly there could be a medical component that needs to be explored if he's unable to have an erection and is too embarrassed to discuss it, or doesn't realize that it might have a medical basis

#3. You can experience an orgasm daily. Not everyone wants sex on a daily basis, and in a relationship a couple needs to accommodate to the other. Perhaps you could be satisfied with 3 x a week, or a "quicky". For some men it seems like too much work to satisfy a partner when they can take care of themselves in the shower. (I know this is on a public forum, but the issue is important.)

#4. He may feel that he has too much performance pressure put on him. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's not intercourse per se that you need. Men don't understand the need for just stroking and holding. I had a sex therapy class for my masters, and one of the techniques they use was to allow NO INTERCOURSE, OR SEXUAL INTIMACY AT ALL. Then assignments were given. Create a pleasant environment. (No T.V, no impending engagement, etc.) Then the pair were to lay next to other clothed, and for at minimum 15 minutes each, (each evening) just touch the partner in non-sexual ways. Stroke the palm of the hand, between the fingers, the inner arm, the face. You could tell the other person if it felt really good, it was too hard, etc. It took the pressure off the man, and also allowed him to learn that there are sensate parts of his own body other than his penis. During this, no matter if you both became turned on, it could go no further. Did that for a week.

Then for a week, touching was permitted without clothes or minimal clothes,. It could be with oil, or feathers or whatever or nothing. Could use hands, mouth, tongue, but no direct contact with the genital area.

This gave time for each person to really focus on the other, with the intent of giving pleasure, with no pressure to "perform." To learn about what the partner really enjoyed, and how intimacy can be enjoyable without or without sex.

Between the weekly assignments of course, they met together with the therapist, and talked about what the experience was for each of them., and with the therapist as an unbiased person could facilitate communication and perhaps discover roadblocks if any.

The last, of course, is if both people in the marriage want to stay together, and are committed to making it work.

I don't know if any of these thoughts might help. Do stay in therapy, even if he's not willing to go. I did....and got a divorce.

Glad you thought so! lol I was thinking. Based on some of the stuff you've said he says, is it possible he's just a jerk? I don't mean to badmouth your husband, but sometimes things just are what they are.

and I'm not sure how far my obligation goes as a wife either.

I'm not sure I would call you his wife as he is not acting like your husband either in bed or out he is treating you like a child in this so called marriage are you his maid, cook, laundry person, arm candy?

The last thing you are is his partner wife companion.

Am I unattractive? Is he cheating? Is he sick?

You were attractive enough to have had a multi-year relationship and to have gotten married. Unless you suddenly gained 400 pounds and gave up personal hygiene, that's not the issue.

You've gotten some great advice here.

I was in a relationship at your age with an older man. I experienced some of the challenges and behaviors that you are now. I would say this, much of which has been recommended above:

1. This is not your fault, it appears you are doing everything you can to maintain, 'help', recharge, or whatever it takes to keep this relationship alive and maintain communication.

2. The lack of intimacy on his part is not your fault. His refusal to address it is his problem and he is laying it at your feet and blaming you or in denial...whatever. That's his bag, not yours.

3. Continue counseling, with or without him. You need to take care of yourself.

4. He sounds controlling and may be at least borderline emotionally abusive. ( For example the comment about you being spoiled) Why do you feel there is nothing better for you? There is something going on there.

5. I know that people can fall in love and age isn't supposed to matter. Sometimes it does. You are a different person at 25 than you were at 18. I don't know how different he is. This happened to me. The older I got the less he could control me. I got smarter and more mature. I got wise to him. I wanted more than he wanted to give and wasn't going to be managed, wasn't going to be told "how good I had it, how I couldn't do better than him, how I would end up with nothing" BS, I ended up my own person, with my own life, happy, fulfilled and with my self-respect.

Give it some time. Look inside yourself. You'll know what to do.

weR, I thought you just had a baby? Do I have you confused with someone else?

If you are the right person, couldn't that possibly have something to do with it as a temporary issue? I've only read minimally on the subject, but men can sometimes feel less important or emotionally outcast after a newborn, and it can affect the desire for intimacy from what was suggested.

Oh, this is an old article... written before the birth?

LOL.. immaculate conception!! (Ahhh, blasphemy!!..as a good Act of Contrition, I will quickly depart :)

I totally get the irony. It's the incompatible desire thing - not sexless really, but even more confusing.

Yes

sunnybunny, I'm a guy but I thought it was great!

very close to the bone there, without losing your humor. Great job.

oh, btw, guys can relate to this too.

oh, btw, guys can relate to this too

Yes, they can.

Thanks sunnybunny, your poem was very poignant.

Awesome poem!

Wow, how come they have to be like that? That poem fits my husband to a T, and unfortunately to our marriage. Thanks for the smile... its either laugh or cry, and I for one am tired of crying. That was great!

Asking him to go to the doctor? Really, how does that go over well? Mine says I'm the one with a problem. Every time we discuss it, I'm immature and treating him like a sex object etc. Anyway, in our case I don't think it's a direct physical problem other than his back, his hip, his ankles, his head, his stomach, the stress, how tired he is etc. - But his penis seems to be fine. Now granted I'm only going from my own experience and I may not be correct, but with my husband judging by my observation of his physical response I think I should be able to tell? I mean, to put it simply - if it gets hard when I touch it, doesn't that mean it works fine? So, then it has to be the big head thats the problem? I can plainly see though how unattractive it is to constantly be on him about it, but he could go for 2 or 3 weeks and not have a problem with that. I know he gets a big ego boost from being in control. I think women many times withhold sex for that same reason. In fact I think thats the more acceptable dynamic of this situation (the one we always see on TV - the sex starved guy). The expectation that as a woman (especially a pretty one), we should have control, and we don't is just another reason why it bothers us so much.

Is there any chance that either of you ladies husbands could be an in the closet gay?

Wanting it more than once a month does not make you a sex addict sweetie. Wanting more than once a day does not either for that matter. When sex rules your life and is the only way to make yourself feel good, then you may have a problem. I do not think that is yours.

I hesitated commenting because it does hit close to home. However, having been there I remembered feeling if there was just one other person that could understand my point of view I would have felt a little less disconnected.

I know that no matter how attractive other people tell you you are or how desirable they may find you, it means nothing. I also know that it affects your self esteem in ways that probably freak you out. And while you are down I am sure you encounter other men that are willing to “ help you.” Please stay strong, no matter how tempting the offer.

While married there is only one person that can validate you the way you need to be validated. People do not always understand how important sex is. It is more than just the physical interaction it is the emotional and mental connection that you are missing. The feeling of being close and loved and truly sexy is not something you can internalize all by yourself, it needs to be shared.

First off, I think that is a wonderful that you’ve only ever been with the man you married. It is actually a very beautiful detail.

Having feelings while having sex is also a good sign for you, it means that there is something YOU can do. Use those feelings as a way to nail down what is missing in your relationship that is affecting your sex life. Those feelings you were having sound a lot like being insecure, you may not be feeling all that safe in your relationship at the moment. Perhaps addressing that as your issue instead of the sex itself would make your husband more willing to hear you out. Because then it isn’t a criticism it becomes a problem for your man to fix.

I certainly wish there was sure fired advice to dole out. But every relationship, despite similarities, is unique. Just like falling in love can put you on top of the world, problems can make you feel just as low. Cry when you have to cry but find distractions that you enjoy. It doesn’t seem fair that your ego is taking the hit. But…this too will pass.

*Get that man of yours to open up so that you two can figure it out.

While married there is only one person that can validate you the way you need to be validated.

Perhaps this is why Radical Feminists advocate separatism? What your really need is to shift from dependence on external validation to self affirmation. Love yourself first then maybe you will be fit to love another person. And yes, it is hard, and I don't know how to do that without being alone.

Robert Heinlein -"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

Drudge, I agree that it is important to have self love, and to me that implies awareness.

Why would anyone get married and foresake all others if there could not be the expectation that your spouse will also be your lover. No matter how independant a person is, they would not enter a relationship hoping to be left alone. That just doesn't make sense.

Perhaps saying something like validation seems to give too much power to another person. A marriage is a partnership. When one hurts so does the other. You can not share a life with someone and not be effected by their words and actions. In acknowledging that your partner affects your life, emotions, and moods is in no way giving up on your own responsibility to care for the other individual. Just like the quote you use... In love, if I am happy so are you.

I get what drudge is saying though, I feel like I should be able to feel good about myself without having to have my feelings so dependant on his response. It is an issue, because my desire is more emotional than physical. So, it's also in my head.

To say one is to soley rely on a spouse's attentions is certainly not my intention. I agree with Drudge that self esteem or love is critical in maintaining your end of the bargain. You can not possibly express love while hating yourself. In a relationship, what happens in your head, can most certainly be the result of what is happening in your home and obviously it will have some baring on your feelings.

K-joy

First things first. I think without self love, the emptiness becomes impossible to fill. I think the person without self love becomes the millstone around the spouses neck. Of course the spouse may have problems too.

I have this rule that says "don't do for others what they should do for themselves". It cripples them.

And "don't ask from others what you should do for yourself". It cripple you.

And I do agree with the rest of what you say.

I wish I knew how to explain just how to affirm the self.

When I was in college we had discussed that sex belong to the primary needs of human and that is according to MASLOW.Sex is something that adds spice to our life.It doesn't mean that when you were in a married life you will no longer explore it.I am not yet married but I and my boyfriend is in a relationship for 3years and i am totally in love with him but I am no longer satisfied having sex with him for two years.I keep convincing myself that it's okay because whats more important is that he loves me but I was wrong.It makes me feel lonely and rejected and now I can say that I must not marry this guy because if I did we will surely end up in divorce.Just yesterday i read about this article and I want to share it to everyone. It says that a lack of sex in marriage can drive couples away from each other. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield once said, “My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” Such was the suit for a French pair in a sexless marriage, reports The Telegraph, but there's an extra catch. The catch is that the Frenchman involved was instructed by an Aix-en-Provence judge to repay his ex $14,000 for insufficient intercourse. Resource for this article: <a title="Frenchman ordered to pay ex for lack of sex" href="">Frenchman ordered to pay ex for lack of sex</a> I know I am not the only one who experience this thing.

I think that it is possible that you are not compatible. I was married to someone older than me when I was young. I think I was attracted to him being older in the beginning. He started messing around on me all the while totally rejecting me and making me feel dirty and wrong for wanting closeness.

If I gotta role play and go thru a bunch of crap to be with someone I don't want it. If my sexual partner rejects me and I try to talk to them a about it and they do not open up and tell me what's going on I am not going to spin my wheels with them.

Being in a relationship is hard in the best of circumstances there will be differences. Life is short you are young I hope you can see the writing on the wall even if you think you have to keep trying to make it work. Please don't spend 20 more years being frustrated and lonely unless he is really rich :)

I am glad you got a laugh. seeing the humor helps a lot. i understand how you feel. I had a lot of emotional and financial investment with my first H. it was hard to let it go but i am glad i did.

Don't forget the life is short part cause it is truly. You don't have to waste one moment on misery.

I put a link to this article on one of my blogs I think it is an amazingly honest and revealing piece and I am sure many people have been in your situation.

Be gentle with your self ok

Just curious, so excuse me if I'm being rude, but the article was written a while ago, and, from what I see so far, not much changed...True?

lf...I searched, but could not find, and got sidetracked here...I'd love a link if you want to make a comment on one of my articles and provide one.

WeR....sorry, taking care of some unfinished business, but back on topic.....better now?

I'm one of those "older guys" and getting older doesn't necessarily mean zero interest. You mentioned you were in the relationship for quite a while before getting married, did something change in your relationship after getting married? Again, only if you want to answer, and, even better if the "problem" has been solved.

I adore my son and I love my husband and my dream is for the 3 of us to be happy - together. I will work very hard to fix this before I throw in the towel.

sounds like a pretty good starting point to me.

lf...I searched, but could not find, and got sidetracked here...I'd love a link if you want to make a comment on one of my articles and provide one.

I would be interested in that as well, if that's Ok.

masturbating where he can see you

I personally don't think that's a good idea. If he's "germaphobic" as you describe and feels he has to shower as soon as he has sex, he sees it as "dirty", and you don't want to push it in his face.

I'm curious, as I believe I mentioned. Obviously you're interested, how come? Seriously, is it physical or mental? Is it simple enjoyment for yourself, or do you feel a certain power in attracting him, and less so when he doesn't respond? Do you, or he, wrap other issues up with sex?

Just thoughts running through my head. in no particular order, and thus might be less appropriate than I'm thinking right now.

Is your husband an only child by any chance? I ask because I am and there appears to be some difficulty with only children being able to express emotion.

I wouldn't wish being an only child on anyone. I have a sister, but I was 14 when she came along and she was adopted--not that that matters as to how I feel, she is still my sister. From my experience, it isn't the lack of emotions, it is an inability to know how to express them. I had the good fortune to run across a lady not long ago that was very straight forward about sex an emotional things as far as what she did and didn't like and what she preferred, rather than letting me try to figure it out. I was with a lady for almost twenty years and we never did really communicate too well in some areas and spent the last ten years or so in a sexless relationship because that is what I thought she wanted. She died about a year ago and we found out more about how each of us really felt in the last four months of her life than we had in all the years prior to that. Too bad it came too late.

Not saying he is the same as I, but you might be surprised if you just talk to him straight out and actually tell him how you feel about everything, what pleases you, what you don't like, all of it. Most of us male types spend a lot of time in the dark as far as understanding women anyway and from several of the things I have read that you said about him, he probably led a rather sheltered life until you came along. There is a possibility that he just might not really understand and is only trying to do what he thinks you want.

I agree that it's not always good to generalize, but it has been said that only children aren't really used to sharing or the give and take involved in having siblings and thus not always getting their way...nothing personal.

I definitely would not begin any discussion with the words...I was discussing our situation on newsvine and the consensus was......

Many men like to think they already "know how" and direction can be a delicate thing.

Don't lie about it, and if you do, never ever get caught.

Most men have it in their heads that they are pleasing the woman and truly want to, "success" not only feeds the ego, but the libido, and the total physical and emotional relationship as well.

Everyone wants to be special. I may be old school, but being the only one that can give you the ultimate high, whether emotionally or physically, is a nice thought to cling to.

As you have probably figured out by now, I generally have an opinion, and I freely admit that these few thoughts are simply for your consideration, not intended to suggest I'm an "expert"...although if your husband thinks he is, that's more than half the battle.

Be sincere, sorry, I have a bit of an interest in the subject myself....:)

I think that this is the first time on NV that Socrates and I are in complete agreement!

And I wouldn't lump all "only-children" into that "non-sharing" category. I'm an only... My husband knows everything about me... EVERYTHING.

But I WILL say that it takes THE key to open us "only's" up. With my husband, it was patience, understanding, trust, and gentle non- accusatory nature.

Well, there's "personal" and than there's "philosophical"...:)

And, not to disagree, but didn't we agree 2 or 3 years ago on the color of the night sky right after.......

Lol. I will say that when we disagree [which seems to be a lot] it at least remains pretty darned civil. ☺

WeRdoomed:

I'm glad you are making the attempt to not only heed your emotional state - which you as a Lady are quite attuned to by your very nature as being a Lady - and are also entering into an intentionally rational mode of thought so as to sort out what you can reasonable expect to do, what you can't reasonably expect yourself to do, what is or is not even reasonable for you to try to do, and in that way feel you have done all the preparatory steps for either accepting the relationship for what you know it is and will probably be, or accepting what is good about it and not feeling bad about what you never had a chance at living happily with while moving on in another direction with your life.

You have to live with yourself either way. Only you know what will make you happy and content. And one day there will be the "discussion" with your son and perhaps other children you may have about "why"...which you are wise to prepare for if that situation may ever come to pass without your present husband being your husband at that time.

My best to you, your son, and your family as you continue to explore this situation my Friend.

Whoops, congratulations on the baby.

Question, did anything change when you became pregnant? I haven't read all the comments so I really don't know the timeline.

#15

You read my thoughts, the lady is in a dangerous spot because she is vulnerable to the thoughts of trying somebody else.

And if you truly love him, you will keep to those vows.

I would never... In a million years, think of anyone else [sexually/affectionately speaking] other than my husband. I cannot however, say the same about my ex-husband.

That's precisely why I say, if you truly love him... Keep trying to find that key. ☺

15.6

Come back to NV if you feel that you need our parroting but sincere advises.

I am glad you choose to forsake all others I think that is very wise. I waited for my divorce to be way final before i was with someone else.

I think infidelity is very irresponsible.

I could never have an affair and not tell who ever I am with about it. I think they would notice a change in me 'cause I am sure i would not hide it 'cause that is how I am.

Because I would never want to hurt someone I care about in that way i would rather break up with them than go behind their back. It is too dishonest. i have never left someone because of another man. I left because of me. I have seen many people jump from one relationship to the next with no time for reflection

WeRdoomed:

I think you are wise to think carefully about your situation as you seem to be doing now.

1- Marriage absolutely excludes infidelity either emotional or physical. Which means if a marriage ends, and in particular when there are no shared kids, and either party becomes committed to a third party, ALL CONTACT with the previous marital partner is now ended. For to remain in contact with someone who can manipulate your emotions is to be unfaithful to the new partner. With kids in play - at least to me - it then becomes "book-keeping" type contact only, and no private meetings or communications at all which exclude the new partner. That way the kids see the marriage as it should be, and do not become confused as to what marital vows really men.

2- I ask you this (and I may have done so before....): Do you feel that you are being treated as a "trophy" wife? Do you find yourself feeling like "arm ornamentation" or "eye candy"; there to impress his friends and business associates but otherwise not paid attention to and kept in the background? Are you expected to "dress and look" a certain way not just for bedroom activities but also out in public? Are you required to wear certain clothing. makeup, etc, again not just for bedroom variety but also in public when with him? Does he become concerned if your bodily weight changes by a few pounds (like it does normally for all females who have the typical female hormone cycle)? I am NOT asking you this to make you feel bad, or not like what you like about your relationship, but instead I hope it points you to the personal insight inside of you that will allow you to decide if you and your new baby can live like you are now, and both be happy, and have that and any other children grow up in a home where the marriage is intact and both partners are happy and respect each other as human beings most of the time. This is intended to be a rhetorical question as I feel any response on this blog might be too personal for public viewing.

Only you can decide if you are happy, and can remain so. A third party counsellor may be able to guide your insight - but cannot decide for you - as to determining what is best for you and your child.

P.S.: I have had to live with "infidelity" in my life at certain times. I abhor it, and would not even consider doing it to my dear wife. But my experience beat home the absolute horror it becomes as the lies unravel, and lives all around are damaged and even at times destroyed, and I beseech you dear Lady NOT to not even consider seeing infidelity as an "acceptable compromise" or something to "round out" your marriage, as it is neither and also it is below you station in life as a Lady to be involved with it.

I hope you are happy and having a good time with your new child.

You just have to be very cautious with your words and be empathetic.

He'll respond better if you ask him questions and mention your feelings but without putting pressure on him. Let him know how hard it must be to work and take care of things financially... And mention all the things that you love and appreciate about him. That way you're not only bringing up his short-comings. But you're praising him as well. Think of it as positive reinforcement with a touch of sharing your feelings of the issues of your relationship.

And sometimes, all I do is look at my husband, wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him. Sometimes you just have to be the initiator. ☺

weRdoomed,

"I'm so overwhelmed at work, I'm not a teenager anymore - you think I have all this time to just sit around with my arm around you! My job doesn't do itself!"

Do you work or have other outside interests? I know you said you were ballet, are you still?

Was he aware it was boring for you and not satisfying?

Could it be that he was just truly turned off by my initiations? Or maybe he is starting to notice I don't need him as much as I thought I did and it scares him....

It very well could be that... Partially.

And if he now knows that you found things boring and unsatisfying... Even ONE time... It will push him away faster than a cat moves after dropping it in water.

Also... I don't mean initiating sex. I mean hugs, kisses, back rub, getting in the shower with him and washing his hair and body for him... Things like that. Remind him that you still love and cherish him. Guys may not say it, but many like to get that stuff too.

All the stuff we women love for our men to do for us... They secretly love it in return. I thank my husband for wiping the counter after supper... Taking out the trash... Giving our son a bath.... Mowing the lawn... All kinds of stuff that I could easily take for granted. Just like many women feel like the "normal" household stuff we may do is thankless... My husband thanks me. Why? because I thank him first.

And this may not be the case for you... I don't know. But many women have trouble saying the words, "You're right. I'm sorry."

(;

Maybe he feels a lack of support or interest in what he is doing. What I am about to say may seem a little crude, but there is a lot of truth to it. A long ago friend told me one time that when you get together with someone you better have common interests and things to talk about because if you don't, you will find that there are only so many ways to suck and @!$%# and if you don't have anything to talk about it is going to get really boring.

Does it matter who is to blame if it is not working?