I cannot say I am an atheist.  Because I most definitely cannot prove that there is NO God.  However, I cannot say I am a believer.  Because I most definitely cannot prove that there IS a God.  

I will say that the evidence appears to weigh heavily on the "no God" side.  But, seeing as the argument is futile without undeniable proof from either side, I try not to even think about it.

Despite my good intentions, every once in a while, someone wants desperately to convince me of their point of view.  Repeatedly explaining how I cannot be convinced by words alone (unless they are the actual words of God, spoken by God Itself, like - in my presence - not just some voice in my head which would only succeed in convincing me that I've developed Schizophrenia) never seems to do the trick.

At those times I come to realize that I give waaaay more credit to God than any of its believers. 

For example, I refer to God as "It".  Why people assign a gender to God is beyond me.  What use would God have for a penis or vagina?  Surely, God is not one gender or the other.  That simply makes no sense at all.  The fact that It is commonly referred to as "Him" is no surprise since, at the time when all religions were born - men saw themselves as human and women as tools in their lives.  And why would anyone make God a tool?  

Additionally, I an wholly unimpressed with the world.  Why did God go and create such a terrible design?  Some Believers claim there is some kind of test going on.  Why would an almighty God have any desire to "test" anything?  Testing is for toddlers.  Am I to accept that God has the intellectual capabilities of of a toddler?

Other Believers suggest we simply cannot understand It's plan.  Okay, I can accept that there are things I do not understand.  But I cannot accept that somehow, children being raped, buried alive, drowning, suffering, or starving is somehow beyond my comprehension and useful or good.  

When I see things like this, I actually hope there is no God.  Because, if there is, It is a sick and disgusting being and we are at It's mercy.

But I digress...

I can imagine God.  And while I cannot fully grasp the idea of "Perfection" - I know that nothing on this Earth is it.  There is a beauty in the world, a flow.  But none of it is Perfection.  

Believers say you cannot understand love if you don't understand hate.  Or that you cannot appreciate happiness if you are never sad.  True, WE cannot.  But, if you were creating a person from scratch and you are all powerful and knowing, You could make them able to know and understand love and goodness and ONLY that.

Being God must be something like being a parent.  As a parent, I can promise you this -- I will do everything in my power to prevent any harm from coming to my precious baby.  I will spare nothing to protect him.  But, alas, I am not God, so I suffer knowing he will have to suffer at times as well.  

But God didn't have to make humans that would suffer.  It chose to.  Believers speak of a loving God, but that is not loving.  They speak of Free Will...but that is just a fancy defense for a God who is either too weak or too cruel to do anything to help us.

Maybe Believers think it is scary to accept that We are all We have.  I am the only one who can help you and you are the only one who can help me.  Children get hit by cars and we are the only ones who can scoop them up and bring them to someone to heal them.  

We are more powerful than any God I have ever read about.  It cannot even be bothered to stop a baby from wandering into the street...or compel a person to stop and comfort a wounded baby -- feats that should be trivial for a being that created the Universe.

I give God a lot more credit than most Believers which is why I always leave conversations about Its existence feeling saddened...realizing that we are quite alone on this planet, aren't we?

I'd rather not think about it and go about my business offering as much love and kindness as I can to a world so devoid of it.  I do not know if there is a God.  But I know there are people in this world - sweet, innocent people - who need help.

And I'm looking around...and I think we are the only ones who can provide it.