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Visit weRdoomed's column >>

WERDOOMED

I never know what to say in times like this...
Articles Posted: 240  Links Seeded: 60
Member Since: 10/2009  Last Seen: 5/18/2012

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I Need Advice for My Sister.

Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:05 AM EST
not-news, family, law, advice, tuition, sister, worry, regret
By weRdoomed
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My sister is a truly special person.  She is 7 years younger than me and the baby of our family.  From a very young age, she has marched to a different drummer - and that drummer is keeping a very difficult beat to keep up with!  She is an accomplished equestrian, animal lover, tennis player, and human rights activist.  I say the last as she became infected with a desire to pull up the socially and economically dejected after a life-altering visit to a museum when she was 9.

She is very bright and was accepted to a prestigious science and technical high school run by the Marines where she left her friends behind to pursue her education.  She recently did a study-abroad in Southern China which further motivated her interest in human rights.  Around that time, she decided she wanted to go to law school to pursue Public Interest Law.

She assures us all that Public Interest Lawyers are not the slimy, ambulance chasers we normally associate with lawyers.  They protect the rights of the public and help write laws in accordance with the Constitution. 

This past summer, she taught English to African refugees and that confirmed her belief that Public Interest Law was the right path for her.  So, she began the process of applying to law schools. By the way, she is graduating from her undergraduate school a year early, with honors.

Here is something else you should know about my sister - she is very hard on herself.  To a ridiculous degree.  Let me give you an example.  When she was 15, she was in the midst of this very difficult high school program, was taking horseback riding lessons 5X a week and playing tennis for her Varsity high school team.  My parents noticed she seemed exhausted and was literally falling asleep at dinner, when they drove her to these events, and going to bed at 8PM (at 15 years old!).  They kept bugging her about whether she was taking on too much, but she insisted she wasn't.

Finally, she came out to visit me in Chicago for a "girls weekend", but she fell asleep during the movie we went to and on our way to dinner...and she declined a spa day to go to bed early.  I called my mom and told her something was definitely wrong.  They went to the doctor and they found out my sister had Mononucleosis.  Rather, she HAD mono and now it was Einsteins-Barr. 

My parents are hippie, free spirit professionals - my dad is a psychologist and my mother is a public school teacher - they never would push us beyond our limits.  My sister -- they had to literally force her to relax. 

If she got a "B" on a test, she was in tears.  If she missed a jump in a dressage competition, she was angry with herself for days!  This kid has a natural fire under her butt that keeps her hopping!

We are always telling her "RELAX!!".

So, in recent weeks, she has been giving herself an ulcer about getting into law school.  Specifically, there was one school in LA that she really wanted to get into as they have the field of law she wants to be in (and it is a rare field since Public Interest lawyers don't make the big bucks so there is not a lot of demand).

A week ago, she got her acceptance letter!  Hooray!  You'd think she would be over the moon happy, right? 

Well, she called me in tears two days ago to say that she didn't receive a scholarship to the school like she was hoping for and that the school is very expensive and she is afraid of having so much student loan debt when she graduates...especially in this economy.

She wanted my advice. 

Should she go to that school?  Should she go to a less expensive school that doesn't have her specific field of interest?

What would you tell her?

Here is a poem my sister wrote when she was 9, right after visiting the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC:

I hold in my hands a key to peace

and a key to hate.

You cannot choose the key for me...

you can only influence my choice.

How do you influence me?

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  • Public Discussion (34)
weRdoomed

Please understand that I am biased...but I do believe my sister is destined for great things. She is an inspiration to her big sister (me!) and I admire her greatly...

  • 5 votes
Reply#1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:06 AM EST
Mr. Roger Rabbit

I am guessing here that you guys aren't rich enough to plain out pay for it. I am also guessing here that she may have other offers that do include scholraship or a fellowship. I was dealing with a similar situation two years ago, and a lot of my questions are way too late, but I am going to ask them anyways:

  • Does she have an alternative offer with paid subscription?
  • Did she research/apply for external grants/fellowships? (Not sure what there is for lawyers, but for techies there are DoD, CIA, NSF, and other places. Come to think of it Bill Clinton got his law degree on one of those).
  • Do other places she got accepted to offer a course, or have a professor apt in her field of particular interest?
  • Do other places she got accepted to rank higher or way higher in the pecking order?
  • Is there an alternative/corollary field that pays better, so she can do some good (until she grows up) and pay the debt at the same time?
  • Can she get a job, that would lead her into this position - i.e. president's secretary, research assistant, intern, etc...?

In my opinion, from what I read, she is a bit spoiled and somewhat immature girl, who is very much used to getting her way (that is not discounting he obvious determination, brilliance and stamina), and this is a real-life situation, that requires real-life solution, AKA compromise. My suggestion would be to ask her all these questions, and whatever other questions you can come up with (i.e. make her do the research for more questions), and then ask her to draw the alternatives, and how they could work for her. I think the very process of searching for alternatives will get her distracted, and if, nothing else, will make the ultimate decision more rational.

Like I said I dealt with a similar problems, so let me know, if there is anything I can do to help.

  • 3 votes
#1.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:03 PM EST
weRdoomed

Good advice, Mr. Roger Rabbit...though I disagree that she is spoiled. She has worked hard for everything she has.

  • 3 votes
#1.2 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:40 PM EST
Mr. Roger Rabbit

A bit spoiled - normal for a girl of any age. As for her working hard - there is a huge difference between working hard, because you want to, and working hard because you must. You sister was fortunate enough to have done the former her entire life, but IMO that had her spoiled.

P.S. I do not have a degree in psychology and know your sister only from what you wrote, so, naturally, you should take everyone of my words as gospel. :-)

  • 2 votes
#1.3 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:59 PM EST
Reply
Queenie of the castle

I would tell her to follow her dreams. If this is truly what she wants to do (to go to the prestigious law school) that things will work out in the end. They always do. Good luck to her.

  • 5 votes
Reply#2 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:11 AM EST
wowed by the force

I agree, Queenie!

If the girl has that much fire under her, she will do fine. Trust me. One of my cousins is the same way, and she did it. Not to say it wasnt stressful, but she did make it ok!

  • 3 votes
Reply#3 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:36 AM EST
Shelby Davenport

I'd tell her that she is making things difficult for herself, and while you can give her advise to go to that school, not to go to that school, worry about debt, or not.....it sounds like she needs to step back and take a look at her life, the quality of it, and how she is putting pressure on herself that, maybe she doesn't need to be.

Perhaps a short stint with a counselor to sort some things out - she might find some personal insight that will help her make any decisions that she does from a better "center of gravity" for lack of a better term. If she goes through life putting this much stress on herself, she is going to give herself a lot of health problems!

  • 5 votes
Reply#4 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:42 AM EST
wowed by the force

Have to agree with that, too!

  • 4 votes
#4.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:43 AM EST
Reply
jwc2blue

She sounds like a remarkable woman.

While her illness certainly plays a role, I have to agree with Shelby. Some counseling might help her learn to be less hard on herself.

I would be careful how you approach that though.

  • 3 votes
Reply#5 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 10:56 AM EST
weRdoomed

I'm her sister and I have told her a lot worse ;-)

But, all joking aside, not sure how I would really approach that...my dad is a psychologist so if he hasn't said something, I don't know how I would or could.

But I do agree that she needs to be less hard on herself. She will probably live forever -- stressed out with a stomach ache.

  • 4 votes
#5.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:00 AM EST
jwc2blue

Your dad is a psychologist, but he's also your dad. From your description of your parents, I would guess that they decided long ago not to "interfere" with your lives, but to let you be your own captains. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but in this case I think a little advice would be a good thing.

Maybe you should talk to him first?

  • 3 votes
#5.2 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:09 AM EST
wowed by the force

If she is anything like my cousin, it'll take some killer ulcers and some wicked indigestion in order to make her realize what she is doing to herself. Does she have a boyfriend? If not, she may need someone to slightly distract her enough to make her realize that there is life beyond work, lol. If she is super lucky, she will get an abitious guy that also likes a little R&R, and can help her work on it. Not saying she needs one to be complete, just a small breather. My cousin met one, and he actually got her to a point where she was taking some breathers, and realized finally that its ok to take a break. They are both professionals with their lives where they want them, and they have a wonderful little girl that is very well loved and rounded, especially considering the horrible way that her mother was raised by my aunt. She shouldnt have been as well rounded and hard a worker as she is, if you are how you were raised.

I have to give anyone that works hard for everything they want a huge amount of respect. It takes a strong person to focus only on what they want in the future, instead of only the now.

  • 2 votes
#5.3 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:27 AM EST
weRdoomed

Does she have a boyfriend?

The crazy thing is that she does. He is in the Navy and stationed in San Diego. She was accepted to a law school there, but she wants the one in LA more because of the field-thing.

She loves him a lot and has no intention of leaving him, but would still prefer to go to the LA law school if it was more affordable.

  • 1 vote
#5.4 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:30 AM EST
Holly-348328

I think talking to your Dad about the counseling is excellent advice. For the time being, I would just reassure her that she is a remarkable person and following her dreams will lead to great things!

  • 3 votes
#5.5 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:35 AM EST
wowed by the force

Well, I hate to say it, your sister is probably not going to slow down till she gets where she wants to be, or she has no choice. She is highly driven, and not doing something will drive her crazy. I am willing to bet her boyfriend is the same way, lol.

I cant feel too bad for the girl, though. I could only wish I had been like that as a child all the way up. I didnt figure any of these things out till it was too late. She seems to know far more than her years usually allow, and that is something that makes her extra special in the wisdom area. Let her go. She will be fine, I promise. It will always work for her because she will make it work for her.

Have to also agree with Holly, though sometimes being too pushy will drive them further into it to prove a point. Be careful, and be supportive of whatever she decides, and you will be fine. I think you already know that, though, lol.

  • 1 vote
#5.6 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:10 PM EST
Reply
Miss_Diagnosed

I have a lot of empathy for your sister. I am probably the mirror image of her. My husband is always telling me to stop worrying so much!

If I could do anything to change my educational experience, it would have been to find someone who did what I thought I wanted to do and ask them for advice on what steps to take to get there. I started out on the complete wrong path to what I wanted to do and cost myself some money along the way.

I've also had to realize that the journey is my life, not the end. It doesnt matter how specified the school, or how pinpointed the degree, you never know what the changes in your life will do to the path you intended to walk.

As driven as your sister is, she will get there... but the best reflection I can give is that she should really weigh her ending against the time in her life where her ending wont matter so much as how she got there.

I still struggle with this... I really do understand that feeling. I wish I could let it all go and experience life more... maybe that negates my advice since I'm giving it and can't seem to take it myself.

  • 3 votes
Reply#6 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:26 AM EST
wowed by the force

LOL! That was the best advice anyone has given Doomed, lol. People like you are nothing short of amazing! When someone pays as much attention to what the end outcome is, great things happen. The sad thing is the problems it causes yourself when you do it.

I think those who have lived the life they are advising someone on, it makes the advice exponentially better.

  • 2 votes
#6.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:34 AM EST
weRdoomed

find someone who did what I thought I wanted to do and ask them for advice on what steps to take to get there

This is a brilliant idea!! With the internet, it shouldn't be hard to pin down someone who would be willing to give some advice. Thanks!

  • 1 vote
#6.2 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:08 PM EST
Reply
Zero-

with respect Doomed i'd worry

They kept bugging her about whether she was taking on too much, but she insisted she wasn't.

thats the first sign of trouble. she need to relax does she take a break? does she take a vaction every once in a while?

Finally, she came out to visit me in Chicago for a "girls weekend", but she fell asleep during the movie we went to and on our way to dinner...and she declined a spa day to go to bed early. I called my mom and told her something was definitely wrong. They went to the doctor and they found out my sister had Mononucleosis. Rather, she HAD mono and now it was Einsteins-Barr.

my reconmendation my older sister is currently in law school. she has told me 3 out of every 5 delop mono. she told me to deal with it they reconmend a vacation. get her away from the school for little while and have her sit on her hands

  • 3 votes
Reply#7 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:50 AM EST
wowed by the force

Also, fresh, green, leafy vegetables. Lots of water. Look it up, and they have things that help get you over the effects quicker. My son got it right after we moved back from MT. Diet is a big one with it. Rest is too, of course.

  • 3 votes
#7.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:12 PM EST
Zero-

shes right diet after shes done with the law school have her take a vacation for 3 month and have her eat well and heathy

  • 4 votes
#7.2 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:16 PM EST
weRdoomed

I am kind of hoping she will spend this summer with me (it will be the summer before she starts law school - which ever one it is).

I know she will refuse a straight out vacation because she will say she needs money.

  • 3 votes
#7.3 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:10 PM EST
Zero-

tell her it all expences paid by you she need to relax before dhe hurts herself

  • 3 votes
#7.4 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:20 PM EST
Zero-

im dead serious

  • 1 vote
#7.5 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:05 PM EST
Reply
belle42

www.finaid.org

have her look for other scholarships -- I mean there are weird ones out there like one I received that was for females from Los Angeles County going to a 4-year college also in Los Angeles County (got $8,000 from that one)

if that school is her dream, she should go. she may regret it the rest of her life if she doesn't!

  • 6 votes
Reply#8 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:02 PM EST
wowed by the force

Man, I agree with everyone on this thread so far. Thats like a record or something...

  • 1 vote
#8.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 12:19 PM EST
RACHEL1-933952

Yup. My sister got one for being left-handed. All types of scholarships out there.

  • 3 votes
#8.2 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:19 PM EST
Mr. Roger Rabbit

That's a graduate program - the rules are a bit different

  • 2 votes
#8.3 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:28 PM EST
weRdoomed

It is true that the options are more limited with a post-graduate degree. And the school is expensive enough that she needs to weigh the time and effort needed for a scholarship that will only be a fraction of what she ultimately pays.

  • 1 vote
#8.4 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:41 PM EST
belle42

any scholarship money is good -- plus also have her talk with the financial aid department at the school -- she may be able to either negotiate down the ultimate bill or appeal the financial aid package (which is usually based on prior year tax returns, etc)

  • 3 votes
#8.5 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:50 PM EST
Reply
Susanaree

weR - she sounds amazing. You might suggest she see a medical doctor first for advice, which may include ways to protect her immune system. Perhaps if it comes from a professional, she'll accept the advice more readily, especially if she realizes that chronic fatigue syndrome is on the horizon for anyone with an immune deficiency. Her dreams will be harder to realize if her physical health suffers.

Sounds like she'll accomplish whatever goal she sets - good health will make that easier.

  • 2 votes
Reply#9 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 1:19 PM EST
RACHEL1-933952

As I don't personally know your sister, I'll have to make an "armchair diagnosis". It sounds to me as though she displays some major components of the Type A personality. This is not a bad thing in and of itself.

If that is the school of her dreams and they offer exactly what she's looking for, then she needs to go for it!

Only one scholarship turned her down, she doesn't sound, to me, like the type to give up that easily. She just needs to redirect her ambition to helping not hindering her desires.

  • 4 votes
Reply#10 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:23 PM EST
weRdoomed

That is true. I think she is feeling a little overwhelmed by the price tag. She's never been up against something like that before. Her problems have been pretty small up till now.

  • 3 votes
#10.1 - Wed Feb 15, 2012 2:42 PM EST
Soovivers

WeR - I agree with Rachel about going to the school 'of her dreams'. I don't think she would really be satisfied with anything else so she may as well go for it and worry about the debt later.

  • 3 votes
#10.2 - Thu Feb 16, 2012 9:33 AM EST
Reply
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